To all men out there who have not started to grow a beard yet: Don`t start! To those who recently have: Stop it. Right now! Stop the growth. We do have plenty of beards now! (To those few who already had beards before the big hype: You are allowed to keep them.)
Of course, guys, it is no question, they are the most sexy thing e.v.e.r. about men. But all of you now suddenly realizing it still doesn`t make it a must-have for everyone! Beard-beginners, you are too late! Don`t bother to get started now. Evolution went on. Women are not used to so much visual sexiness. It`s meant to appear in small doses only. We can`t cope with it.
Did you ever take a break to think about what it does to us? Do you even know how many women secretly suffer from uncontrolled sweating, speechlessness, fainting and other psychological based physical threats? Imagine the majority of us walking around naked! Tossing our long hair over skinny shoulders and our bare, sunlit breasts. How would that feel, huh? Yea, probably you`re smiling now, childishly wishing for it to be true! But I bet after the first excited week you`d get pretty annoyed by getting distracting fantasies and a hard on at every. single. corner.
Also, guys, this one-type-restriction doesn`t really fit into the free market economy. We get to decide from over 30 types of toothpastes but only between beard, beard and … beard? (And, well, some without any.) What happened to all the variety? It`s not fair. It`s not clever. From the marketing point of view it gets pretty boring, for us. For you it gets pretty exciting now though. Suddenly there`s beard wash and beard oil and beard combs and beard conditioner and beard everything! I do understand you are getting tempted. But despite what media tells you, beards are still not an appropriate accessory for everyone. A beard is meant to show the man. Not the other way round.
Some time ago there were some men with beards. You knew what you got with a man with a beard, back then. They were men who didn`t give a shit about skin care or their online reputation. They were men who didn`t have facebook. They were men who had landline phones, which they were strong enough to let unanswered sometimes. And they were men who loved to spend their time outside in the woods, who went camping and rented rowboats for a laugh. They were men who didn`t have hay-and-milk-and-gluten-and-cat-and-whatever-allergies! They were men who knew how to make a proper bonfire. And they were men who had a secret blanket for a woman when it got chilly.
Nowadays there are thousands of beards with men. There are thousands of beards on top of suits, beards on full wifi, beards on expensive-gluten-free-smoothies, beards on crammed tubes chatting on headsets, on whatsapp, on instagram. They are urban indoor beards. They are beards who never rest, beards who have never made a bonfire. And they are beards whose brains have been too busy to think of a blanket for the woman when it gets chilly.
Beards forget the men they hang on nowadays. And we women are left in a cold heavy sexy rain shower of too much facial hair, that looks all tempting but only on the rarest occasions meets the expectations we have of men with beards. Where are the male beings to collect bonfire wood with? To cuddle up to under the blanket when it gets chilly? (In peace and silence and romance.) You know, we are still wishing for proper knights, bandits, princes, taking us far away on horses, no matter if they have beards or not. But it seems we are mostly left helplessly in a modern world of assholes hiding behind fashionable face-haircuts, pretending to be what most of them aren`t. Please, men, be yourself! Conquer our hearts with honesty, not with beards! Don`t let you get carried away by a trend. Don`t show what you don`t have. Think twice (at least!) if a striking bunch of hair is really necessary for you or if you still know other ways to impress us. Please, stop being so boring by relying on your beards. And, please, for fuck`s sake, stop being so goddamn sexy!